The River Guide

As I walk to work in my suit, I am just one more dark blur in a sea of dark, sweaty, suit-clad blurs hurrying along the steamy sidewalk. I dart around the subway grates (heel traps – rookie mistake) and individuals so absorbed in their Blackberry/iPhone/Droid that they fail to realize that they are stemming the flow of the foot traffic. This is my morning commute. And I can’t help but wish I was somewhere else. Like on a river. Working in the sunshine, breathing clean air, wearing the proper attire, maybe lifting some boats, maybe rafting down some whitewater while the greenery rushes by. From my point of view – that would actually be the best summer job ever. 

Being from the great state of Oregon, I have actually met many river guides over the course of many whitewater rafting trips. And I have found that they are almost unanimously college grads who chose a different career path – either immediately or after trying their hand at a more traditional career. They are also very attractive, quick on their feet, and have great people skills. Here is a look at what they face, day-in and day-out:

Salary: River guides, according to the Oregon River Experiences River Guide School materials, make anywhere from $75 to $150 a day at ORE, based on seniority. It also states that industry pay scales range from $45-$150 a day – not including tips. Qualifications include enthusiasm, a solid work ethic, and knowing how to swim is probably a good idea.

Advantages: You get to take classes with names like “reading water” and “knot tying.” You get to be tan and muscle-y without paying for an over-expensive gym membership. You get to ride awesome rapids. You make other awesome and similarly sun-browned, attractive, muscle-y friends and ride awesome rapids with them. You probably get to make a lot of campfire s’mores, but that’s pure conjecture and daydream on my part. You give your visitors a great, memorable experience – you also get to teach them about survival without a smart-phone. You get first dibs on the 'good' lifejackets - you know, the cool-looking, less bulky ones? You know what lies “just around the riverbend” and you can “dance with all the colors of the wind.”

Downsides: Mosquitoes, Bees, Wasps, Spiders. Rope burn. Uncomfortable life jackets. Obnoxious clients. Drunk clients. Flipping over and risk of drowning. Piranhas. Lightning. Not getting to wear sweaty wool suits on hot days – oh the disappointment.

(Note: My friend suggested Loch Ness Monster as a negative, but we all know Nessy is a big huge plus-side to becoming a river guide)  

The Celebrity Chef

No matter where I am in life, there are a few people I can always count on. These include Anthony Bourdain, Gordon Ramsay, Bobby Flay, Ina Garten, and Tom Colicchio. I can always count on them to stand in front of the camera, smile, and cook something that will make me want to go out and buy everything in the supermarket. They just deliver with such passion and enthusiasm! There is always some fascinating rags-to-riches story behind the scenes that is rarely referred to, but that everyone knows about. Not to mention – anyone who can cook well instantly becomes about 100 times more attractive. So – how do you become a celebrity chef? What does the job include? Is it really as fun as it seems? (There is no way that it is not as fun as it seems. But let’s proceed.)

Celebrity chefs do more than just cook well. They become brands unto themselves. They host multiple shows. They commercialize their product. You can get Emeril Lagasse's cookware and Pasta sauces. Chef Ramsay’s television shows exist by the same name in multiple nations. Celeb chef restaurants become extravagant chains of Michelin-star-studded deliciousness, located in some of the world’s most exotic hot spots. They have multiple books out – because, let’s face it: reading their cookbooks is just not enough. We want to know about them, so we need their autobiographies… and the sequels to those, too. Anthony Bourdain has even written (read: poorly attempted) some fiction crime novels. They cook for the stars. They are stars. They are also incredibly successful businessmen and businesswomen. Yet – despite their seemingly unattainable level of success, we are able to relate to these chefs on a personal level. They and their jobs appear more accessible and real than the stars of Hollywood. There are even some shows based on this premise: The Next Food Network Star… and, oh, Top Chef. It could be you.

Annual Salary: It turns out that celebrity chefs make much less money than you would think. Don’t get me wrong – if you’re good at it, you will be making some serious cash. But in 2008 Forbes put out a list of the top ten earning celeb chefs and how much they make in a year. At the very top: Rachael Ray, earning around $18 Million a year. At number ten: Anthony Bourdain, at $1.5 Million a year (I wonder how much this list has changed since then). Reasons that these numbers may seem low have to do with the fact that these stars are mostly on cable salaries not broadcast network salaries. As Conan constantly complains on TBS – cable just pays less. These stars also can’t go on tour to bolster their income, and while they may charge a fortune for an appearance, these are comparatively rare. They also don’t really get product endorsement deals. They just do what they do best – make good food and market it. So what happens if you’re not in the top ten? How much do you make? Some random website named buzzle.com to the rescue! It states that executive chefs without a following make around $80-90K a year on average – so we know it’s somewhere between 100K and 1M (not a wide range at all). These numbers vary greatly with the amount of shows, books, products, appearances, and followers that each chef cultivates.

Advantages: Your own wikipedia page. Celebrity status for a universally appreciated skill – who doesn’t love good food? Usually it also means you have a great accent, or a cool personality, so that’s nice for you too. Your kids probably have awesome packed school lunches (right, Jamie Oliver?) It is someone’s job to prepare all of your ingredients in the right amounts, and to clean up after you cook. You regularly travel to some of the world’s busiest and most luxurious locations. People who are well fed are happy, so you’re probably happy. And well-fed.

Disadvantages: Being disappointed with 99% of what you eat at random. Do you know the joys of picking up a hot dog on a street corner? Or those nachos with the fake cheese? Celebrity status also comes with the constant media attention, which does not always work in your favor when you are accused of theft, DUIs, public indecency, or worse – refusing requests from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. You have to compete with Gordon Ramsay, and he is scary. You probably face at least some resentment when the dishes you prepare so effortlessly on television cause disasters in the kitchens of unwitting amateur cooks. Also, you are in serious danger of getting fat.

A brief description of Anthony Bourdain’s attempt at Gangster novel, Bone in the Throat:

“A wildly funny, irreverent tale of murder, mayhem, and the mob. When up-and-coming chef Tommy Pagana settles for a less than glamorous stint at his uncle's restaurant in Manhattan's Little Italy, he unwittingly finds himself a partner in big-time crime. And when the mob decides to use the kitchen for a murder, nothing Tommy learned in cooking school has prepared him for what happens next. With the FBI on one side, and his eccentric wise guy superiors on the other, Tommy has to struggle to do right by his conscience, and to avoid getting killed in the meantime. In the vein of Prizzi's Honor , Bone in the Throat is a thrilling Mafia caper laced with entertaining characters and wry humor. This first novel is a must-have for fans of Anthony Bourdain's nonfiction.”


…Wrong.

Forbes.com's Ten Top-Earning Celebrity Chefs

The Backup Dancer

I wonder if backup dancers are not always a bit torn on the inside. Clearly, they want to be seen. They want to perform, and they like being on stage. Obviously they are very talented. At the same time, they are consistently and purposefully overshadowed by the latest greatest fifteen year old (or nine year old, if you're Willow Smith) with a recording contract.

Turns out, in order to be a backup dancer (or any professional dancer, really) you need not only tons of talent, but also a driven work ethic and stamina. The auditions are heavily competitive, and it takes a combination of luck and persistence to really land the right post.

Salary: I first went to Answers4dancers.com. This website reeks of legitimacy. Its name rhymes AND it's hip. It broke the salaries down by category: Broadway musical dancers make about  $1653 per week. Film, TV, and commercial dancers go by union rates. Music video dancers get about $475 for a ten hour day of shooting. In Las Vegas, Cirque du Soleil dancers make about $1,200-1,600 a week, while EFX dancers make about $680 for the same week. Finally, you may hit the backup dancer jackpot and dance for $400-500 dollars per week at a theme park or on a cruise ship. I then went to the next most trusted source on the internet - TMZ. It reported in one shocking article that Beyonce was totally ripping her dancers off. She refused to work with their agents. Apparently, by eliminating these middle men, she "undermin[ed] the dance industry as a whole."  TMZ further reported that usually a dancer cast in an A-list artist's video "can earn around $3000 for two rehearsal days, and two shoot-days of work." I don't know about you, but I am actually inclined to trust TMZ on this one. I'm sure they checked their sources.  

Advantages: Hopefully, you're doing what you love. Dancers usually dance because they love it. Not all businessmen can say the same for business. If you make it, you probably get tons of exposure. You get to travel. You get to meet cool (read: famous) people. There is always the possibilty for romANTICS (see Britney Spears, JLo, LeAnn Rimes, Madonna, Miley Cyrus, and Usher's relationships with their backup dancers). If you do it for long enough, Glee may notice you and give you the part of the dumb blonde on their emotionally stunted show.

Disadvantages: Not all dances are created equal. You could be dressed in a sexy outfit dancing front and center with Beyonce, or you could be one of Lady Gaga's bowl-cut, ashy-skinned minions. Even worse, you could be KFed. Your job is dependent on you not getting sick or injured. These are incidentally also the hazards of the job. You are going to be out-shined. It's in your job description. You are subject to the whims of the stars: Britney Spears made her  backup dancers sign in their contracts that they will keep her from drinking or using drugs - as if this was anywhere within their control. You will never truly be loved. Worst of all, you might end up in High School Musical 3.

Dance Dance:
We're warmed up like dance biscuits!

The Driver's License Examiner

The long hiatus is over! A new job spotlight is here! And this job has to be one of the more dangerous ones out there. A few weeks ago my friends and I were reminiscing about our teenage years and talking about getting our driver's licenses for the first time. This turned into a discussion of the driving exam itself, as we compared notes about that daunting final test. One friend mentioned that he failed the driving test the first time around, because he almost got in an accident. The driver of the car he almost hit actually got out and yelled at him, while the examiner sat next to him, fuming. I personally remember deciding to "play it safe" with the world's longest red-light-right-hand-turn, which resulted in sitting through two unbearable minutes of impatient honking while a man with a scruffy beard sat next to me, scratching irritated, angry notes onto a clipboard. I barely passed, and as a result I harbored ill will towards the examiner, the early stirrings of what would eventually become undeniable full-blown perfectionism. These conversations piqued my curiosity and I decided to investigate the job, having never considered it from scruffy-beard's point of view before. 

Turns out this job is not for the faint of heart. It requires work with computers, effective communication skills, and "the ability to do simple mathematical problems." It also requires a clean background and apparently a good driving record is recommended.  

Salary: The University of Phoenix proved to be an invaluable resource regarding information about becoming a driver's license examiner. They used the State of Florida numbers, stating that in 2009, FL driver's examiners earned between $23,645.40 and $24,914.16 annually. This salary is not without its perks though - examiners qualify for state health plans, free state college tuition, and perhaps most importantly, a life insurance program. 

Advantages: benefits, a paying job. Never having to wait at the line at the DMV. Plus, it's a total power trip. 

Disadvantages: This feels like stating the obvious, but jumping into a car with some kid that has never really driven before, or an individual that has lost their driver's license as a result of previous driving infractions (think Lindsay Lohan) is just dangerous. Side effects may include: loss of patience, sanity, faculties, life or limb. Is this really worth the paid vacation time? 

An apology: to the man who once tested me for a driver's license and just barely passed me: thanks. Though, I really feel that had I tested in Massachusetts instead, my score would have been at least an 89, instead of that stupid 78 you gave me.